Workplace Etiquette

Here is a letter I recently composed to my fellow employees after dealing with constant foulness in the john.

An open letter to ***** Employees especially the Booger Monster,

I was quietly relaxing in our fine establishment's facilities when something gruesome caught my eye. Even following the brave request from our outstanding Human Resources representative, some starving artist felt the call to display one of their more creative talents on the wall of the stall. This got me to thinking about things like hygiene habits, consideration for coworkers, and generally decent and moral rearing of children.

Do not get me wrong, I am no clean freak, we all have our dirty habits. Q tips missing the trashcan, used Kleenex on the coffee table, or that plate with the buffalo wing bones from last weeks game you keep forgetting to bring downstairs. I certainly hope that I am not misunderstood. I am not pointing fingers.

Speaking of pointing fingers, we all do this as well. Most of us probably even point them up our own noses. We all get the familiar itch of that hanging wall booger, and all of us, I am sure, have the instinctual need to get a full finger on that bad lad, to prove our hunting prowess by yanking it out in one piece, in all its sticky glory. This is a fine accomplishment and I am sure you are desperate to share that trophy with the rest of the world. This is where I begin to take issue with your actions. No one here cares to view your accomplishments anymore. Congratulations, you can nail that nostril, you can muscle that mucous, you can finagle that funk. Yank it out and look to your right - there is a jumbo roll of toilet paper with your name on it. But, you argue, I am at the urinal what now smart guy. Hey Mr. Dexterity, show me your real skills. Put away the equipment with your non-busy hand and stroll on over to the paper towel dispenser. Then, for all that is good and great, wash your damn hands.

Don't even get me started on courtesy flushing.

If you feel this is outrageous, that I am impinging on your rights to freely flick your boogers in this land of liberty, by all means, reply to @*****world and defend this action. I am desperate to hear your side of the story, as I am sure are my fellow employees. The newsflash here is this. You don't live in the frat house anymore; your wife, your mom, your roommates, whoever cleaned up after you and reinforced this behavior as something acceptable does not work here. It is not fair for some poor woman getting paid 30 dollars a night to have to scrub your nose waste off the wall because you were too lazy to wipe it off on a tissue and flush it down the toilet or throw it in the trash.

I eagerly anticipate your response.

Michael Hart