Workplace Etiquette

Here is a letter I recently composed to my fellow employees after dealing with constant foulness in the john.

An open letter to ***** Employees especially the Booger Monster,

I was quietly relaxing in our fine establishment's facilities when something gruesome caught my eye. Even following the brave request from our outstanding Human Resources representative, some starving artist felt the call to display one of their more creative talents on the wall of the stall. This got me to thinking about things like hygiene habits, consideration for coworkers, and generally decent and moral rearing of children.

Do not get me wrong, I am no clean freak, we all have our dirty habits. Q tips missing the trashcan, used Kleenex on the coffee table, or that plate with the buffalo wing bones from last weeks game you keep forgetting to bring downstairs. I certainly hope that I am not misunderstood. I am not pointing fingers.

Speaking of pointing fingers, we all do this as well. Most of us probably even point them up our own noses. We all get the familiar itch of that hanging wall booger, and all of us, I am sure, have the instinctual need to get a full finger on that bad lad, to prove our hunting prowess by yanking it out in one piece, in all its sticky glory. This is a fine accomplishment and I am sure you are desperate to share that trophy with the rest of the world. This is where I begin to take issue with your actions. No one here cares to view your accomplishments anymore. Congratulations, you can nail that nostril, you can muscle that mucous, you can finagle that funk. Yank it out and look to your right - there is a jumbo roll of toilet paper with your name on it. But, you argue, I am at the urinal what now smart guy. Hey Mr. Dexterity, show me your real skills. Put away the equipment with your non-busy hand and stroll on over to the paper towel dispenser. Then, for all that is good and great, wash your damn hands.

Don't even get me started on courtesy flushing.

If you feel this is outrageous, that I am impinging on your rights to freely flick your boogers in this land of liberty, by all means, reply to @*****world and defend this action. I am desperate to hear your side of the story, as I am sure are my fellow employees. The newsflash here is this. You don't live in the frat house anymore; your wife, your mom, your roommates, whoever cleaned up after you and reinforced this behavior as something acceptable does not work here. It is not fair for some poor woman getting paid 30 dollars a night to have to scrub your nose waste off the wall because you were too lazy to wipe it off on a tissue and flush it down the toilet or throw it in the trash.

I eagerly anticipate your response.

Michael Hart

I knew

the blog bug would keep on keeping on. My brother just made at least one entry to his brand spanking new web page. Let's hear it for the boy.

Oh and, the Colts won, in case you were dead or something.

Home Improvement

Well, check out my pictures on flickr here, I finished the bathroom tile project. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but it wasn't as easy as it could have been. I will write more about it some time... probably. I got a call from my boss this morning though, telling me not to worry about coming in because of icy roads. I have to go celebrate with more sleep!

I promised!

Well the project started quite well, as you can see in the top photo. Nice bead and I think I did a pretty good job of smoothing it out, looks nearly like I did it on purpose. Things got a bit rough behind the sink. The faucet caught my wrist and I start getting uneven in my pressure. The bead went wide and really its pretty amateur but I did not have the energy last night to scrap the line and start over. Behind the sink was my initial problem area anyway and my guess is this will be good practice for 2 months from now when I have to redo it anyway.

The worst thing about caulking is corners. I know I am no Bob Vila but the corner you see here I am pretty embarrassed about. I will keep working on it. I have to do the master bath tub soon, maybe my technique will improve. Maybe I will hire someone to come do it...

Unhand my caulk...

Last night at around 11:30 I was cleaning out the pantry when I ran across an aging but unopened tube of caulk. Instructions clearly state it has a shelf life of one year or so (this was purchased a good 3 years ago) but I was feeling lucky so....

I trimmed all the aging caulk from my counter top, the one with the sink, painstakingly scraping and wiping until not a speck of the offending mildewed sealant remained. I sliced open the end of this geriatric cylinder and began to lay down a quarter inch bead of pure white which promptly separates into tiny beads making one UGLY line.

Long story short, avoid old caulk. Pictures to follow.

1941

Please take a moment to remember those that serve us in the Armed Forces. Regardless of your opinion on our foriegn policy, political affiliation, or stance on war, the people who volunteer to make the Armed Forces their employer do so with the knowledge that their lives are subject to the whims of Kings and Presidents, Emporers and Ministers. Ultimately they put up their lives to guard yours. Thank you.

Fine Dining

Last night my family was treated to a unique dining experience at The Driskill Grill. My uncle was in town for a conference and is staying at this fine hotel located in downtown Austin, Texas. My cousins were also there, Bridget and her daughter Darcy, bringing the guest tally to 4 adults,2 four month olds, and one 4 year old. The hostess was quite dismayed at seeing us ask for a table. While children are not expressly forbidden they are clearly less than welcome. It was already shaping up to be a fantastic meal. Moving past the jaws agape and onto our table, (flanked lovingly by two tables obviously cleared of place settings to buffer those around us from our uncivilized presence) we were finally seated and allowed to begin our meal. Check out this menu!

I started with the Poached Lobster Salad (the menu linked is slightly different than the one we viewed) which I have to say was pretty darn good. The salad dressing was some sort of glaze which I wish had been more liberally applied. The second course delivered me the quail. This was accompanied by a patron curd (as in jose cuervo) which sounds horrid but is actually pretty nice when spread on thinly sliced quail. I finished up with the prawns. The crawfish were good but the chorizo bed they were placed on was incredibly rich and I felt as though I was spooning grease directly into my gullet with every bite. All in all it was an incredibly pompous affair and the price was outrageous. My only conclusion is that I have a very immature palate, and I am happy for that.

The company more than made up for the uncomfortable atmosphere, and not to brag but my kids were so well behaved that the hostess actually ended up sitting at our table and coloring with my 4 year old daughter. Quite the turn of events considering she was definitely considering denying us a seat.

If you are in Austin, stay at the Driskill, but eat at Sullivan's.

I am probably OCD...

Last night at midnight I just HAD to clean my closet out, trying on 6 year old khakis as though my fat ass was gonna magically fit back into a 30 inch waist. Tonight when I got home, its like 30 degrees, I felt it was the only time possible to wash out the trashcan, that big stinky mofo that goes in the garage. Two frozen and bleach cracked hands later it smells like fresh laundry. I am strangely satisfied.

This is what can

happen to your happy office space if you spend all of your free hours playing WoW or, in the case of this sad photo, EQ. Not only was I running 3 computer simultaneously to maximize my efficiency while playing/farming, note the fine stacking of multiple snack containers as well as the loose organization of the overflow food area. I tell you, multi tasking is a breeze at work after the hardcore training I put myself through with days of uninterrupted dragon slaying and gear chasing. While it is undoubtedly a sinfully selfish waste of time, I do enjoy the computer games. I have had to wean myself from them though,as the demands of parenthood and work have grown both more demanding and rewarding.

While I do not play nearly as often as I did, reading Goodnight Moon takes more time than one might imagine, I still get to log on occasionally and raid the wasted lands with a few of my fellow heroes. My office has not looked like this for years, instead the tornado has moved to my kitchen, living room, backyard, and den as my daughter roams the house leaving destruction in her wake. I wonder who taught her to make such a mess?

tI evoM

What a great license plate, I saw that the other day. It is a damn good thing I didn't see it today or the cruelty of it would have slain me. That is because it took me 2.5 hours to drive my normally 45 minute commute to work. IH35 in Austin is a pain, check it out here. Texans cannot handle wet and cold when combined with a water main breaking under the freeway. Who knew.