The Barium Blog

Workplace Etiquette

2007-03-20T13:31:00.000-06:00

Here is a letter I recently composed to my fellow employees after dealing with constant foulness in the john.

An open letter to ***** Employees especially the Booger Monster,

I was quietly relaxing in our fine establishment's facilities when something gruesome caught my eye. Even following the brave request from our outstanding Human Resources representative, some starving artist felt the call to display one of their more creative talents on the wall of the stall. This got me to thinking about things like hygiene habits, consideration for coworkers, and generally decent and moral rearing of children.

Do not get me wrong, I am no clean freak, we all have our dirty habits. Q tips missing the trashcan, used Kleenex on the coffee table, or that plate with the buffalo wing bones from last weeks game you keep forgetting to bring downstairs. I certainly hope that I am not misunderstood. I am not pointing fingers.

Speaking of pointing fingers, we all do this as well. Most of us probably even point them up our own noses. We all get the familiar itch of that hanging wall booger, and all of us, I am sure, have the instinctual need to get a full finger on that bad lad, to prove our hunting prowess by yanking it out in one piece, in all its sticky glory. This is a fine accomplishment and I am sure you are desperate to share that trophy with the rest of the world. This is where I begin to take issue with your actions. No one here cares to view your accomplishments anymore. Congratulations, you can nail that nostril, you can muscle that mucous, you can finagle that funk. Yank it out and look to your right - there is a jumbo roll of toilet paper with your name on it. But, you argue, I am at the urinal what now smart guy. Hey Mr. Dexterity, show me your real skills. Put away the equipment with your non-busy hand and stroll on over to the paper towel dispenser. Then, for all that is good and great, wash your damn hands.

Don't even get me started on courtesy flushing.

If you feel this is outrageous, that I am impinging on your rights to freely flick your boogers in this land of liberty, by all means, reply to @*****world and defend this action. I am desperate to hear your side of the story, as I am sure are my fellow employees. The newsflash here is this. You don't live in the frat house anymore; your wife, your mom, your roommates, whoever cleaned up after you and reinforced this behavior as something acceptable does not work here. It is not fair for some poor woman getting paid 30 dollars a night to have to scrub your nose waste off the wall because you were too lazy to wipe it off on a tissue and flush it down the toilet or throw it in the trash.

I eagerly anticipate your response.

Michael Hart

I knew

2007-02-06T18:32:00.000-06:00

the blog bug would keep on keeping on. My brother just made at least one entry to his brand spanking new web page. Let's hear it for the boy.

Oh and, the Colts won, in case you were dead or something.

Home Improvement

2007-01-15T09:46:00.000-06:00

Well, check out my pictures on flickr here, I finished the bathroom tile project. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but it wasn't as easy as it could have been. I will write more about it some time... probably. I got a call from my boss this morning though, telling me not to worry about coming in because of icy roads. I have to go celebrate with more sleep!

I promised!

2006-12-12T10:28:00.000-06:00

Well the project started quite well, as you can see in the top photo. Nice bead and I think I did a pretty good job of smoothing it out, looks nearly like I did it on purpose. Things got a bit rough behind the sink. The faucet caught my wrist and I start getting uneven in my pressure. The bead went wide and really its pretty amateur but I did not have the energy last night to scrap the line and start over. Behind the sink was my initial problem area anyway and my guess is this will be good practice for 2 months from now when I have to redo it anyway.

The worst thing about caulking is corners. I know I am no Bob Vila but the corner you see here I am pretty embarrassed about. I will keep working on it. I have to do the master bath tub soon, maybe my technique will improve. Maybe I will hire someone to come do it...

Unhand my caulk...

2006-12-11T13:07:00.000-06:00

Last night at around 11:30 I was cleaning out the pantry when I ran across an aging but unopened tube of caulk. Instructions clearly state it has a shelf life of one year or so (this was purchased a good 3 years ago) but I was feeling lucky so....

I trimmed all the aging caulk from my counter top, the one with the sink, painstakingly scraping and wiping until not a speck of the offending mildewed sealant remained. I sliced open the end of this geriatric cylinder and began to lay down a quarter inch bead of pure white which promptly separates into tiny beads making one UGLY line.

Long story short, avoid old caulk. Pictures to follow.

1941

2006-12-07T11:00:00.000-06:00

Please take a moment to remember those that serve us in the Armed Forces. Regardless of your opinion on our foriegn policy, political affiliation, or stance on war, the people who volunteer to make the Armed Forces their employer do so with the knowledge that their lives are subject to the whims of Kings and Presidents, Emporers and Ministers. Ultimately they put up their lives to guard yours. Thank you.

Fine Dining

2006-12-07T09:58:00.001-06:00

Last night my family was treated to a unique dining experience at The Driskill Grill. My uncle was in town for a conference and is staying at this fine hotel located in downtown Austin, Texas. My cousins were also there, Bridget and her daughter Darcy, bringing the guest tally to 4 adults,2 four month olds, and one 4 year old. The hostess was quite dismayed at seeing us ask for a table. While children are not expressly forbidden they are clearly less than welcome. It was already shaping up to be a fantastic meal. Moving past the jaws agape and onto our table, (flanked lovingly by two tables obviously cleared of place settings to buffer those around us from our uncivilized presence) we were finally seated and allowed to begin our meal. Check out this menu!

I started with the Poached Lobster Salad (the menu linked is slightly different than the one we viewed) which I have to say was pretty darn good. The salad dressing was some sort of glaze which I wish had been more liberally applied. The second course delivered me the quail. This was accompanied by a patron curd (as in jose cuervo) which sounds horrid but is actually pretty nice when spread on thinly sliced quail. I finished up with the prawns. The crawfish were good but the chorizo bed they were placed on was incredibly rich and I felt as though I was spooning grease directly into my gullet with every bite. All in all it was an incredibly pompous affair and the price was outrageous. My only conclusion is that I have a very immature palate, and I am happy for that.

The company more than made up for the uncomfortable atmosphere, and not to brag but my kids were so well behaved that the hostess actually ended up sitting at our table and coloring with my 4 year old daughter. Quite the turn of events considering she was definitely considering denying us a seat.

If you are in Austin, stay at the Driskill, but eat at Sullivan's.

I am probably OCD...

2006-12-04T22:21:00.000-06:00

Last night at midnight I just HAD to clean my closet out, trying on 6 year old khakis as though my fat ass was gonna magically fit back into a 30 inch waist. Tonight when I got home, its like 30 degrees, I felt it was the only time possible to wash out the trashcan, that big stinky mofo that goes in the garage. Two frozen and bleach cracked hands later it smells like fresh laundry. I am strangely satisfied.

This is what can

2006-12-01T17:28:00.000-06:00

happen to your happy office space if you spend all of your free hours playing WoW or, in the case of this sad photo, EQ. Not only was I running 3 computer simultaneously to maximize my efficiency while playing/farming, note the fine stacking of multiple snack containers as well as the loose organization of the overflow food area. I tell you, multi tasking is a breeze at work after the hardcore training I put myself through with days of uninterrupted dragon slaying and gear chasing. While it is undoubtedly a sinfully selfish waste of time, I do enjoy the computer games. I have had to wean myself from them though,as the demands of parenthood and work have grown both more demanding and rewarding.

While I do not play nearly as often as I did, reading Goodnight Moon takes more time than one might imagine, I still get to log on occasionally and raid the wasted lands with a few of my fellow heroes. My office has not looked like this for years, instead the tornado has moved to my kitchen, living room, backyard, and den as my daughter roams the house leaving destruction in her wake. I wonder who taught her to make such a mess?

tI evoM

2006-11-30T14:22:00.001-06:00

What a great license plate, I saw that the other day. It is a damn good thing I didn't see it today or the cruelty of it would have slain me. That is because it took me 2.5 hours to drive my normally 45 minute commute to work. IH35 in Austin is a pain, check it out here. Texans cannot handle wet and cold when combined with a water main breaking under the freeway. Who knew.

Crazy Blog Compulsions

2006-11-29T10:37:00.000-06:00

So Jen got me blogging and I started to wonder if anyone else I knew did. Well where would I look? Myspace of course, as my kid sister has some sort of site there I had signed up a while back to check it out. Sure enough, there are a couple of people I 'knew' from high school there, anyway I am sure I shocked em by emailing a couple of them and thought I would throw down a quick bio for them in case they are feeling crazy and drop by.

1994 - I did actually graduate highschool in El Paso Texas even with my attendance as horrid as it was in San Antonio.

1994 - Dec 1996 - I roamed the states, moved in and out of my parents house in Ohio, did a brief stint at St. Edwards University in austin in 1995, lived with Brandy (some interp chick? if you remember her) and a couple other girls for a bit, Tony Garza even stayed with us a while, eventually ended up back at home.

January 27,1997 - On the way back to San Antonio I stopped off at a coop in Austin to meet Jeremy Stevens ex girlfriend Megan O'Dell.

January 28, 1997 - moved in with Megan O'Dell

April 1997 - Joined the army.

August 1997 - Married Megan O'Dell, now Megan Hart.

Sep 2002 - Had our first daughter, Keily.

Jul 2006 - Had our second daughter, Abigail.

Currently living just south of Austin, we bought a home in a development out here. Megan is a teacher and I work for Grande Communications.

Anyway that's about that.

Early to bed...

2006-11-29T09:43:00.000-06:00

I was not. I was however, extremely early to rise and to work. It seems I did not have to be here today until after 2pm though I badged in at 830am. Oh well, I am sure I have things to catch up on, like blogging.

Could Christmas be bearing down on us any faster? I sat down and composed my list of people to shop for yesterday and was astonished to find that family alone put me at 28! Of course I still have to dream up something that will sweep Jen off of her feet as she gets to celebrate the birth of her favorite savior and the birth of Jesus in the same week. Poor kid, don't tell her she is old. This ones an early present chica.

Routine -

He rolled over blind
the sounds of the screaming black box
a mosh pit in his head.

Feeling for the crystal blue button
pulsing in concert with his temples
facilitates a short lived reprieve.

His daily drive past the
pushers and the pimps a twisting
trail of hot asphalt. Slick and sticky

The coach operates itself
The road essentially etched with
The tread of our lives.

Passing, as always, the hoping
probing hands. Begging eyes
set in vacant lots.

This crawling commute, interminably
delayed, veins of traffic vie...
in vain. in a rush to begin.

There is some bad imagery for ya. Every time you get an email dogging your writing reply back with a link to this and show them bad writing!

Blogging Bug

2006-11-28T13:06:00.000-06:00

Did you know how easy it is to just walla walla bam - *make* a whole new blog. Well let me tell you its as easy as doing it. Check out Hart Strings, I hope to actually be able to keep up with some of this stuff. Flickr and blogspot have monopolized my last two days, but it has been fun.

2006-11-27T11:54:00.000-06:00

Could my kids be more amazing???

Long time coming

2006-11-27T11:13:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to sneak in a little line or two in November so I could say I blog quarterly now. Jen will be thrilled. I think maybe my blogging is not as consistent as it would be if I did not feel compelled to write a novel every time open the edit window. Perhaps I could commit to one line a day. mebbe.

So many cool things happening; I let the whole inlaw grudge thing go, I cruised to a church retreat, I have been feeling pretty spiritual, and I get to go back to Ohio for christmas. Hopefully I will get to see my best friend while I am there.

I'm a pro at creation

2006-08-03T13:02:00.000-06:00

So, you wonder where I have been? What have I been doing? Mostly smoking crack and running hookers out of my saturn. But also -

I had a baby, my second... ok ok our second. Abigail was born 07/25 10:47 pm. My cousin had his daughter in the same city on the same day at 12:47 pm. That is strange.

His kid was 6 pounds, mine was 8, thats 14 pounds of kids - 10 hours apart = 4 people to make them. Damn am I a math major? Maybe. Some things just add up.

I got to watch them perform the c-section. Very cool, only got semi woozy when I saw the smoke from the soldering iron they use to seal up the cut. Ok it probably has a much more technical term like cautewhatever but I can spell solder and am too lazy to run spell check. Onward - they jumped on her stomach and out popped my kid. It was amazing.

I highly recommend children.

Hacking

2005-12-28T14:28:00.000-06:00

Wonderful to know that in our computer dominated genre, I can find a word which has a meaning not related to computers. Hacking, as in, I am hacking up a lung. 7 days of diaphram drama. My esophagous would be elated were I able to ebb the caustic coughing currently causing me pain. A cold? I think not. This is some sort of sinister swine flue, some creeping crud, a very villainous virus. My throat bleeds for you.

Progressing Backwards

2005-12-14T10:28:00.000-06:00

And so it goes with relationships in my experience. The longer they last the more complicated they get. Progressing backward. I'll give you an example, purely hypothetical of course.

Let us say you have been married for some period of time, a long time. Something that you may have failed to consider on the altar (or the Justice of Peace's shag carpet) was the problematic implications your future in laws represented. Let us say you eventually come to find you cannot stand the sight of them nor they you. Let us say you live near them. Let us say your spouse insists upon your comingling. Let us say you tell your spouse that you will never step foot in your in-laws house again. Let us say progressing backward.

I assure you, as best I can in a 'hypothetical' scenario such as the above, the ramifications of such a statement are tantamount to tsunamis and hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes, happening simultaneously on 4 continents and 357 channels worldwide. The simple fact is one has to weigh the requests of a spouse over trivial, egotistical, pig headed bravado. Of course bravado wins.

Time Flies

2005-12-06T12:12:00.000-06:00

The days go by. 6 days since my last blog and I feel like it has been an hour. Work is consuming me. Ok that is a complete lie. Work is cake. Everquest has been consuming me. I really should get on some sort of medication for it.

So the real reason for my delayed posting is to protest the choice by Sports Illustrated to make Tom Brady Sportsman of the Year. Seriously, the guy is on the path of aging. Not to say he isn't great but seriously, Peyton is the man. Broke the touchdown record last year and this year is leading his team to an undefeated season. And the unequaled domination of his sport by one Roger Federer makes me feel like S.I. is just making up for all the years they put Tom Brady on their overrated list. But enough about that, Brady and the Pat's bore me about as much as Trading Spaces.

Last night I had the pleasure of watching The Triangle and it was very, very good. The actors aren't overdoing it too much and who doesn't love the Count Chocula eating Eric Stoltz? If you have time to check it out tonight I highly recommend it. Part one plays at 7pm cst, followed by part two at 9pm cst. Of course it will be replayed and replayed and replayed because, ya know, its cable.

Time does fly, lunchtime already.

Getting your fill

2005-11-30T15:17:00.000-06:00

So it seems I have this problem with eating. Perhaps an eating disorder even. Not your classical disorder mind you; anorexia, bulimia, or, if its considered a disorder eating till your pants don't fit. No no. I am not to be so easily categorized.

My wife, bless her soul, is the embodiment of perfection. Everyday when I rise from my corpse-like slumber there on the kitchen counter sits my lunch, a really great lunch. It contains saliva inducing things like bananas, pot pies, hot pockets, lasagna, applesauce, sandwiches, crackers, and the occasional breakfast cereal bar. These lunches contain more than enough food to sate my appetite for my ten hour shift and I readily consume them.

My problem is that I get no satisfaction upon completion. For some unknown reason I do not feel full until I order some random #1 combo, super size it, biggie size it, whata size it, or whatthefuckever size it, take it back to work, throw the fries away and eat the sandwich. This is a sickness folks. I am under the commercial control of the fast food chain machine. I will research this and get back to you.

The pee test came back today, and I am still here. Which means I have a dull life, but am employed. Yay me.

Giving Thanks

2005-11-29T13:16:00.000-06:00

How in the hell is it less than 30 days to Christmas already? Not that I mind 2005 coming to a close, this hasn't exactly been a banner year for me. Let's just say a certain hotel chain can pucker up and kiss my lily white ass. Thanks for the 6 month vacation (read looking for work) based on 3 years of working with no write ups or customer complaints. Jackasses.

What was I talking about? Long, very long, really long, trips. Driving used to be this great escape for me. I would regularly traverse the I-10 freeway between El Paso and San Antonio; 587 miles door to door just to visit a friend or two... for lunch. Then hop back in the Calais (2 door, dohc, standard) and run on back. I did not mind the trip, I looked forward to it.

I would spend hours imagining my life as a lottery winner. Picturing my future with this girl and that. Think of pop culture changing inventions. Write first chapters in my head. Smoke pack after pack of Marlboro Lights, just because I cannot stand a brown filter. This was the great escape, my journey into the land of freedom. In my car (cue the music) I was safe. Bills, dropping out of high school, spending more money than I had on CD's, none of this mattered. Fights with family, nonexistent employability, in the car I was King. A mighty asphalt shield from life lay before me, and I lovingly tread across it, protected.

Of course this changes when you procreate. Drives are much less about escape and more about safety. Don't drive too tired, don't stop at any reststop and rack out for 5 hours, don't get out of the car without toting the kid along, don't buy yourself a drink without getting two extra, don't push the fuel gauge below E just to see if you can make it further this time before filling up. Not that I regret my marriage and subsequent addition, I do not.

It is just different. One of the many things that change right along with you. Let me assure you, the rewards of a family far outweigh losing the fun of interminably long road trips, I am just reliving the glory days due to my recent run to Arkansas for another psychotic family occasion. Thanksgiving, about the only thing I am thankful for as far as the holiday is that it is over.

Why do we put ourselves in the most uncomfortable, awkward, and annoying situations possible when it comes to the holidays. I love my grandparents, but dealing with, and I mean this in the most extreme definition of the word, *extended* family is like pouring itching powder in your socks and locking your shoes on. You can squirm, you can jump, you can rub your feet together, you can sob, scream, laugh, or even have a nervous breakdown. But nothing you do will make you comfortable.

Every other year I pack my family into the Jeep and embark on a twenty hour round trip drive that none of us want to endure. All because my Grandparents mean the world to me. They want to see their granddaughter, and I want her to see them. I just don't want to be obliged to sit in what is essentially a strangers house and watch football. When I watch football I want to put my feet up on the coffee table, crack open a beer (I almost forgot, drinking is strictly out in the backwards, Baptist, (forgive me) boring ass town that time forgot.

A dry county! Who in the hell invented this idea. How is it even in the realm of possibility to hold a family function sans alcohol. Can you see my dilemma people? The world has gone sideways.

Enough of this rambling trash. Thank the good Lord that I do have a family to give me something to do while I wait for the hours to pass so that I may once again climb back into the car and get home. Where the liquor awaits me, patient and pure.

More later.

I c.u.p.

2005-11-23T13:04:00.000-06:00

So today, for my new job, I had to pee in a cup. What is it about forced urination that causes the urethra to lock up tighter than your old man's wallet at dinner? I spent the morning pouring cup after cup of water down my throat, to the point that my ears were actually leaking, and yet when the time came I could barely cover that magical line.

Now three hours later still nothing. My gut feels like someone stuffed a hose through my belly button and turned on an air compressor but apparently the small intestine is on strike. I couldn't pee right now if a winning lottery ticket was on fire. Maybe I can sue my employer for bladder distress.

On a happier note this urinalysis means I have a permanent position rather than temporary, making it much more difficult for them to fire me for blogging on the job. What does this mean to you? More blogs. I am trying to decide just how open I should be here. What to reveal. What to chatter on about as I while away the dragging hours. Addiction, arousal, marriage, Everquest, or a 10 hour drive looming over my working soul?

Ahh how droll our life is when we attempt to communicate its excitement to the world.

Promises Kept

2005-11-22T11:28:00.000-06:00

What is the statute of limitations on a promise? Does one have a lifetime to follow through on the casual committment made in a passing conversation? How interred are we to these stated intentions? Apparently completely.

After some procrastination, a little detour, a new job, some soul searching, and three hangnails, I give to you the fulfillment of a promise. A blog post. A literary creation of magnanimous proportion. A winding, lifeless, and yet, powerful collection of bliss inspiring nonsense all born of one woman's quest to make me put words in some sort of semi permanent format. Curses. She seems to have succeeded.

This thing, this blog, this space in space, was created over a year ago by one Jennifer Garrett. She goes on daily about how great blogging is, and how wonderful blogging is, and how amazing blogging is, and... you get the idea. Well I joked that I would make a blog bearing the name this one does, and the next thing I knew it existed. That Jennifer is an efficient one. We could all do to emulate her a bit.

So here it is, our first post. The culmination of a year of nagging, evading, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and indifference, sits before you. Enjoy it, over and over. There is no telling when I will again grace you with my blathering.

Because I can

2004-07-30T11:28:00.000-06:00

This is a test. This is just a test. If this were a real blog post, I'd be swearing.

(this was posted by Jennifer Garrett the day of Barium's conception.)